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Conflict

Added Jun 11, 2020 •

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okay thank you thank you we were just talking this morning so I'm Lori this is Harry and year so it could be a train wreck call apologize now just like the fennewald set expectations so just so you know we might be a little rusty but I know you have been sitting here since about 4 in the morning feels like right and I'm a person is really I just went to staff day at work last Friday and we sat all day long and it was oh my gosh not my thing so if you want to stay and while we're talking you go right ahead if you stretches in the back won't bother us at all I can totally I feel your pain with having to sit for a long time but your Troopers so okay and I'm sure what's in the back of your mind is oh great we get to listen to more speakers so you know again that you've been you've been back speakers are here you only have to put up with us for about a half an hour okay and I have been married for 31 years we have two grown sons who are married and out on their own and they now both all four live in West so we're the only ones left in Minnesota and let's see we've been involved with this program I think since 2008 for 11 years and we've been giving this talk to you I'm not sure. eight years okay about eight years in and our topic is conflict and believe me when Harry came and said I signed us up to do the conflict talked and agreed to Mary Kay that we would do this we had a con what cuz I was not there that night and he got us walked into this stuff okay so we have the two boys married and we have two grand puppies and at so those are cheddar and Jack and Christian Harry Potter Ravenclaw and Gryffindor colors and then we have a grand kitty named Boo and she is not wearing cats could catch don't do that and you can dress dog but you get a big con like if you tried to do that with cats though okay today our topic is conflict so and conflict comes about when two or more people disagree or have a difference of opinion and conflict can be subtle or in your face and this is our cat Luna so earlier today talk about communication Jason and that they Define communication as reaching a shared understanding and what our hope today is that we will help you get skills to help you reach the shared understanding I have to say so how many people here were born as babies and knew how to text anybody know nobody knows that you're all proficient at it now will conflict resolution there are skills and tricks and tips you can try that will help you resolve conflict in a better way and you weren't so you may not have been naturally born good at conflict or negotiations but there are things you can practice to get you there so that things aren't you know I'm comfortable and test and the logs talked about expectations and the fact that you know the road is not always smooth when you're married so you will have plenty of opportunities to practice these skills over the course of your married and you're engaged why you're living closely together probably I mean we've had we had one year when we were living in a one-state apart not by choice but you will have conflict and I usually on this day when we know we're going to give this talk I start counting when we wake up and I start counting how many sources of conflict we may have in the day and I started a new thing today. So I counted and by one we had had nine sources of conflict but the interesting part is I said that in my chair I thought we had 9 I can only remember to so and none of those nine where anything's that I Volvo doubt that we needed to discuss the right so nice things happen and I was at there's one that couldn't you know we could have had a little conflict about that but so we can have fascinating so he's forgot like 75% of them will get to that later and I also we have a married couple friends of ours and they always pray for us on the day that we give this talk because we tended to always have a big bust-up usually that morning before and we're like we give the sounds like talk why are we having this heated conversation so they started praying for us so I texted and this morning and so I think that's why I forgotten the majority of our travel trailer next live please all right so we'd like you to think a little bit at this point about your family experience and these are our two families so think about when you were growing up as a child as a teen there is a young adult as an adult how many of you did not see a lot of productive conflict I'm leaving my hand up okay did not see a lot of productive conflict all right so and I can meet there can be a lot of reasons why you're not seeing that productive conflict in my family it was because the conflict they had in it we did that suppress thing where is by where you don't talk about it until you're so upset the volcano has blown and you know everything just spews out Harry's family they didn't he did not see a lot of productive conflict because his parents emigrated here from Holland and they want to protect and shield the children from seeing conflict so if they had a disagreement they started speaking in Dutch to one another and the children did not understand what was what was going on so I learn to Future that's where happy not words you'd want to use in polite Society so okay so I sought tent silence you stop people speaking a language you didn't understand so when we get married you know our platform of seeing how people resolve conflict was not ideal you know we really didn't know I mean it to me it was like What conflict is something you avoid at all costs and now you're just like I guess everything works out in the world did you notice if your partner was one of those people that raised so that's a jumping off point to think about how the two of you are going to work about conflict okay so now I'm going to turn things over to Harry throughout the morning and afternoon here at you're going to face some conflicts during the course of your marriage and that's not a bad thing the thing that can be difficult is when words or actions become hurtful or destructive so we're trying to help you a productive conflict in and talk about resolution of the conflict and never does anyone ever say that argument went well I mean unless you have figured out how to best manage the conflict there's a lot of opportunities in your marriage and in your current situation where you going to have that conflict and sometimes it's just difficult to know what it is that you're going to be or what the source of the conflict is this is up old cartoon and I pulled out eight years or 11 years ago when are we start doing this is one of my favorites about marriage and it says that someone in the Meghan and Sherman love seminar is communication is the Keystone the building a strong relationship you need to talk must be on the same page as your mate and he says I thought we decided trust was most important and she says I decided otherwise so there's always that process of figuring out what it is that you're going to be discussing and how are your going to be are you going to be able to figure that out so the thing is about conflict is that we all have different ways of expressing ourselves when we're happy different emotions and things we also have an instinctive ways of how we handle and this is the different types of conflict management styles and Lori's got a handout that she'll pass around as well and you guys can keep this styles that we're going to kind of talk a little bit the first one is forcing and that's where you want to control the outcome and that doesn't necessarily work well in a marriage if you're forcing your your major spouse to do something that they don't want to do it can to resentment and discouragement it can be a source of disagreement so not necessarily the most productive style there may be occasions when you need to use it if you know if that if the house is on fire and you need to get out you're going to force that situation you're going to be me and we got to go out now why don't we don't have time for discussion for going out now the next one is avoiding delay withdraw divert attention and that's kind of in that range of still owe someone being dominant one of the partners being the dominant but also kind of a passive-aggressive situation my mom is great at that she is she is one of each you learn from your Aroma right self but not necessarily in the most productive style the next being accommodating and that's where you're giving you decide it's really no big deal Lori wants to make you know spaghetti and meatballs for dinner I'm going to see ya but but if he wants to paint the living room blue I'm fine with that I have no feelings about what color that should be 9 times today I was accommodating so very good thank you for your kind of kind of making a bargain splitting the difference meeting someone halfway depending on the sixth set of circumstances and I know one that is probably the most valuable is that collaborative that's where you're really working together welcoming references talking through and searching for mutual agreement so those are the five that you get to work with going forward but the funny thing about conflict resolution is that you get to decide what style you want to use in any particular situation you don't have to use accommodating all the time or collaborating all the time you figure out what it is that the situation calls for and then you get to decide which style you want to work and you want to work not us early from your intuitive situation but what it is that makes makes sense for the situation at hand and for example in my line of work before I retired I was in a business where I was constantly work to win I was negotiating I was dealing with conflict continually and it was my job to win Lori on the other hand was raising our son primarily early on in the end our marriage and then she became a where can you ever think of a time when the librarian wants the win of course not you know she's so you know it's it's important to Flies what the situation is what style it calls for and then work together to figure out the best way to resolve that particular conflict and it could be one of nine in a particular solaraze next I think everybody's taking the focus inventory I think you've already done that I'm so you may recall there are questions about conflict on that inventories and one of those we consider one of the most important is I would like to change some of the ways we solve problems between us and so we just want to reinforce there if not it's not bad to say yes because after 31 years of marriage we would still say sure I'm sure we could get better at this so whether you're recently engaged or if you've been married a long time you are a work in progress and you'll hopefully continue to be a work in progress it doesn't you don't get the point it's like okay hopefully you don't save we're done that's as good as it's going to get so take a cup would like you to take a couple of minutes right now to talk with your partner about what you discovered about your instinctive your habitual go to on how you know what conflict style is your natural and talk about whether you think that's helpful or maybe not so much when you do have a conflict so here you get some time to talk to one another a little bit all right I hear good murmurs of good conversation out there so hopefully learn something and stick it in the back of your mind for the next time you have one of those conflicts it could be later today okay let's see you've got these five ways and here we are you know everybody's if you had a chance to walk your you're comfortable you're not hungry and you're a little mentally you can take while if yes yes I will choose collaboration next time we have a conflict well it doesn't always work that way because they know when we're stressed we revert back to that person that is the avoider and that's what I A N O I I can avoid I can do all sorts of things but if if I'm stressed I'm going to revert back to that what I saw as a child and so just you know yourselves yourselves you know you you can wet brain out and then choose this but you know it doesn't always you don't always go there immediately so just be patient with yourself but I do have some tips that are helpful when you're dealing with a conflict okay help I like to think of it is either it like a tool belt can be helpful these are tips that you can put in your conflict tool belt that will help and the other thing is I found it if you're not a person that works with tools perhaps our person that uses a phone and there's actually there's a conflict app that you can use that I have downloaded many time to know every time I switch my phone that's but the first app I get is the conflict at selfish anyway. just whenever you get a new phone so you can think of these chips is either apps that you can use or Tools in your tool belt okay so the first one is time timing is everything so if you're hungry if you're tired if you're stressed if there you know you're sick whatever that is not the best time to be dealing with a conflict now sometimes conflict will come up because of all those bad things going on but just like we had a thing last Friday night show me some news at 9:45 at night and I was pretty upset but I knew 9:40 5:10 at night on a Friday not the best time for us to be discussing how are we going to solve this big problem that has just landed in our laps so I went to use my avoiding skill but in a useful way cuz I knew let's delay this conversation until Saturday was one and I cleaned I started cleaning the house so when I woke up Saturday morning the house is clean and I'm refreshed suikoden in Harry said the most important thing he said was there something troubling you last night oh my God you are so good at this conflict think so learning we're learning so timing is everything and that's tip number one okay so like I said sometimes you just got a delay it's not the right the next one is being grown up for the adult and eventually one of you needs to do that and it probably you'll hopefully you'll take turns doing that it's hard to always be the person that's the adult so hopefully as you you know mature and as the years go on you'll share that responsibility but that's that's an important when somebody you know you can't both be the whiny toddler that's having a tantrum on the floor will you can but it does always go well when you do that so okay and then sorry sorry okay alright give us a grown-up Continuum so this is when neither of you are willing to grown-up and then both of you are willing to grown up so hopefully you get to the the far-right quickly but you know time is everything okay Save The Best For Last and the last one is trust and that means that you are loving partner will want to help you when you are hurt or upset or there's a problem and it I have to stay when we were first married even that we've been married 31 years our trust level I would say is real high and I know but it took me a long time you know I saw bad sounds like when I was a child so it took me years to get to a point where I could think you know Harry has feeling me 10 years of loving behavior and when things are bad for me he was the help but I didn't always feel that way I didn't years where it was like it's a problem I got to deal with this on my own and he's going to get mad if I bring this up so it took it took years for me to get to that point so and we had some behaviors with that avoiding thing where you know if I brought something up sometimes you know Harry would do that Turtle thing or it's like I don't want to hear about it right now but is it just took us a while to build that trust level up but now I mean I just know that if if there's something this bad and if I explain it to him which I did on that Saturday morning we're going to work together to get to a good place so I would encourage you to the building that trust I colored a safety net you want to be doing things that are going to you know you know you start with Netflix is this big and then eventually you get to Annette fits you know how huge that you could do we would just add Hosanna last week and they had aerialist coming out of the ceiling as part of the performance but they had saved me that's on the for that they could fall onto so that's what you need and that's what trust is going to do for you that when you have a conflict you know that eventually your partner is going to want to work with you on that and get to a good place stop here's the work I should have been running if you have an Apple device it's called cool tools for couples and it's awesome it so when you have a conflict you can open that  up and it will work him through questions to ask yourself questions to ask it even provides it's got a prayerful way to that you pray together about whatever the conflict is that you're having and there's also an app for Android I think it's conflict if you if you do it go to your app store it's worth the $4 I'm telling you it's a good one when not to use this before mind reading mind reading the mind reader and and that was part of the the discussion the following Saturday morning after Lori's last Friday night concerned and it wasn't that I was holding it back it was something that just got information on and so you know I just I probably should have waited until Saturday but I mentioned it to her anyways and kind of got her upset but work at the end of the day or on Saturday morning when when I wanted to find out what was letting her she said while I bet you can figure that out I think I did say yeah I bet you can guess what I was upset about it and I said no I think I'd rather hear what it was learning is because there's two people and I love sports analogies so the question is what role you play the are you the picture are you the catcher you bringing the conflict to the to the plate are you the one that wants to talk about something sometimes you have to just be a good listener and I and listen find out what the issue is and then hopefully solve that problem together good news is you don't have to be a pitcher or catcher all the time the girls get to be reversed depending on what the circumstances are so just remember that it's a team sport and you're there working this through together and I like to talk about the fact that practice in conflict resolution Conflict Management practice makes progress will never be perfect at this time I mean it's just weird we have been married 31 years every year we are making progress towards that the ultimate goal that's getting each other to happen. Cuz we got just a couple more minutes I like on your drive home you might want to take a couple minutes is there a conflict onyourhorizon that you might want to talk about safety-net ideas that you might have for each other that fell so once you figure out all your skills for conflict resolution you get to determine how is your pathway going to be a fighting all the time and and burnt down destruction or you going to have to delivery time and that the nice thing is is through marriage you get to keep trying and it every time something comes up you get to start over again and you get to work on improving your conflict styles and very important you've heard this heart I think already today is If you find yourself having that same argument it probably means you aren't changing the behavior that's causing a conflict and that's where you need to come back and maybe talk to your priest seek professional help if you need it talk to other married couples someone that you trust and that you can you know bring your open yourself up to and and figure out what the issue is if they keep coming back and then you're carrying a gunny sack cuz that that doesn't help ultimately how their marriage is going to end so at the at the the day you repair early and I keep the Denny's tax empty and the next going to be languages of polish with the Shillings and the thing to remember is going to conflict resolution isn't about who working together

Uploaded by Chelsie Blustein. Listed in Preparing for Marriage

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Conflict

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